Tired of Brick walls of Indifference

Its funny...alot of people think the opposite of Love is Hate. But its not its Indifference. You see with hate or love there is a bit of caring or interest in what another person does..whether it irritates you or entrances you. But with indifference they can die today or live tomorrow and it wouldnt make you blink.
How can I communicate with indifference....I try and I am tired. So I wont...it hurts to much..its like walking into the same brick wall , I dont have the energy.

Two F'notes later and an almost crash (continued)

The computer cut off on me before I could have finished my story...
ANyway that was it ( I know kind of anticlimatic..but my mood has changed since I was writing that last post).
I am going to relax now...I am too tired and numb to care

Two F' Notes later and an almost Crash

So I have a cough..from a cold that just finished. Now this is a dry cough that is driving me crazy...throat is itchy...chest hurts...and its embarrassing as hell coughing. Now the reason I say this is because I am rationalizing and refused to even consider another reason as to what happened next. So this morning driving home from work...it went like this..."cough cough... hack hack...cough cough...hack hack...and then ...OMG! I am on the frigging freeway and I am about to throw up in my car while doing 50mph". I barely pulled over in time...thankfully I had a bag in the car...other than my purse that I lost my dinner in. For ten minutes I sat there trying not to throw up all over my car at the same time praying it would just stop. I hate throwing up. So after I disposed of my now barf bag, my only weak thought was.."What the hell happened". So my rationale is this...I coughed so much I stimulated my vagal nerve and caused that gagging reflex that led to the barfing episode. Thats my story. All I want is to be wapped up in a blanket and stroked to sleep. Last night @ work was better than the night before. The night before @ work...what could go wrong did...sure no one died but I felt like I was this close *puts index finger and thumb marginally together* to going off on someone. I cursed three times @ work...(okay it was under my breath and I was in a room alone trying to get collect myself)...but the point is ..I have never been so frustrated work before that I used the F word. I mean..all of a sudden perfectly fine people..become confused...then at the same time my head tumor lady decided she couldnt breathe...then all my other I had to have my hip replaced people were crying out for pain meds @ the same time...and ofcourse I hadnt done any of my paper work. I love working nights, however the down side of it is that its always understaffed...and you realise you are the only"reinforcements" you got. I didnt leave work until 9am...( I am usually in my bed by this time) ...I was pissed and in a very very violent mood..and what upset me more was knowing I had to be back later that evenning..for another round of "Super Nurse to the Rescue". For 12 hours straight I didnt eat...I survived on gum and saliva. I was so pissed about that that when I got back into work the next evenning I was determined not to miss lunch. That evenning went alot better...I even had time to help other folks out with their work and do a blood transfusion...which is a biggie to me cause it always takes me a long time just to make sure I have all that crap ready. But atleast I was in good spirits by home time. I was singing my goodbyes...hell..my report was so full of smiles the AM Nurses thought I was high. Ofcouse I was mainly happy I was going home and wont be back later in the day and a very crazy and violent man just got on the floor and I didnt have to deal with him. You could have heard his screams two floors down..cursing and carrying on...(apparently he didnt understand that with a broken leg you cant walk..and it was painfull to pull out your catheter..but he tried though..oh how he tried).

Social Mojo

So I am talking to a friend and he is telling me about his new found "sexiness". Or atleast how he is getting it back..or plans to. Fresh from a break up...and now finally getting his Mojo back. He said to me..." "you" let yourself go when you're in a long term relationship... i polished her and she took my "mojo". And I understand the loss of his mojo...in some ways I lost mine too..but I mourned the loss of mine years ago..and sure I vowed to get it back, however it just hasnt happened yet. Maybe I lost my motivation to find me MOJO. Who knows....but I didnt lose mine cause someone took it away , no..this happened years ago...I lost mine cause I got sad ( I was going to say depressed but I dont want anyone trying to call the Mental Health Department on me). lol
When I had my mojo I did things..like museums and art festivals, all day movie treats, dancing, walks in the parks....all by myself. The point is I used to be able to do these things without the want for companionship. Sure if I had a partner..it made it better but back then it truly didnt matter to me. I found joy in those things..getting up and thinking" Where shall I get lost today?". I enjoyed being with me..and only me. The slowly I started craving to share my sights with other people..but some folks dont appreciate or find joy in the same things I did. And while before that was okay..my mind wouldnt think twice of their decision..now I dwell on the rejection a little longer. And it slowly took away my joy for these things that made me happy.
However I decided my mojo will be back.
I made a list of things I am going to do
1. sign up for a self defense class/ YMCA/ Dance class
2. Hit up a winery
3. learn to love getting lost again
Thats it for now...all I got.

Funning thing about being a Night OWL

Although there are some disadvantages to being Nocturnal...I must say..I love the quietness of it all. Driving down the road and only 2 cars in sight..the solitude of it attracts me. Isnt that strange?

Days and Nights Blend

I have officially turned Nocturnal. This is day 3 of my up @ 3 am doing work like its 3pm. Yesterday I was up from Midnight to 2pm. First stop after cooking and cleaning up a little was Walmart @ 3am...infact I hit up two walmarts....I love that their doors never closes. Came home, relaxed, put away my purchases and then looked @ my living room and said "I got to finish this". So by the time I headed out again was 8 am and stores were opening and I am excited. I had the basics , sofa, lamp, pictures and dressed up fireplace. However NOW the living room actually looks lived in. Its now full of color (has a warm feeling), pillows, finally has more than one lamp and a rug. So after months of being here the living room is complete...and I am proud! It felt good to tackle that room and be done with it.
I have also made a pact with myself that I wont eat out for a month...okay its really two months but lets see how this month ends shall we. So basically I am relying on my own cooking and snacks from home. This is a huge feat for me but I am sticking to my guns. I am also trying new recipes. I am so used to cooking Caribbean food but I want to learn to make new stuff. So I am recipe hunting.(www.recipezaar.com is a great website).
What I do need in the house is some good liquour, and to restart my wine collection (left what I had with my mother in NY..yes I still regret that). You see the thing is I am not a drinker...but I love to collect drinks...especially foreign ones. My brother used to send me wines and spirits from all over the world, mind you they have never been opened. I just like keeping them. Now I want to start making speciality drinks. In front of me is a recipe for Pomergranate Cocktail...think later this month I will try it out, it looks uber simple.

Anyway after yesterday's activities I didnt hit the sack till 2pm and now I am up again. Well after Midnight to start all over again. It throws me for a loop...not that I have anything planned today..but it makes me miss out of the day's activity. However after all the spending I did I wont be doing much any time soon. My plan is to go to the DMV, watch the inauguration, staff meeting later that evenning and back home. Should be a good day..I do hope it is. I know so many people in the backs of their minds are afraid something tragic happens @ the Inauguration, and me like so many others are praying no one tries to take away the Hope this country badly needs now. So my plan today is to think positive, be happy and relax..cant worry about what could happen.

On another note was reading Tudor's Constantin's view on 21 Hints For a Happy Life ...and he inspired me..so I will share with you...Tudor hope you dont mind...
1. Marry the right person . This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.
3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.
6. Be generous.
7. Have a grateful heart.
8. Persistence , persistence, persistence.
9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
12. Commit yourself to quality.
13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions , power or prestige , but on relationship with people you love and respect.
14. Be loyal.
15. Be honest .
16. Be a self-starter.
17. Be decisive even it it means you'll sometimes be wrong.
18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
20. Take good care of those you love.
21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud.

ABC done lost their minds!

OMG..So I am browsing ABC.com ...watching my shows...and there I see General Hospital..new free episodes. They have finally made a Soap Opera online for viewing..entire episodes. I am so excited I can kiss the screen.
For more than 6 months I have lost touch with my soap..now its on baby. I missed two calls for my bro...which saddness me I do want to talk to him, cleaned my bathrooms and cooked for the rest of the week. I think I am going to roam Walmart in a while.
Just needed to say ABC rocks!

till the cops came knockin'...

Today I had an extra day off and I spent it with Hubby shopping for an Iphone or a touchscreen phone , and stuffing our face @ the best all you can eat Buffet "RYAN's". It was a good day...and ended even better, we stopped th beach where I went the other day for a late night look @ the water and stars. Saw these supersized raccoons..or as he calls it "Man eating Raccoons" with crazy eyes. We sat staring @ the stars until the Park Rangers put on their bright lights and informed us this is mainly a "daylight" park.
Didnt quite mind cause we sat there long enough anyway. Its been a good day..very good day

From PJ's to night gown...will I ever give it up

Yesterday I spent the day relaxing...
Got a care package from my mom that included one of my favorite perfume/bath sets, Trinidad License Plates for my car, and West Indian food products.
I was so excited about the bath set and took a bath immediately and stayed in my night gown all day smelling myself. It was ridiculous..I would be reading on the couch and I turn to my right..sniff my shoulders and think.."damn I smell good" lol
I stayed in my night gown all day..Yes I realised it was 2 in the afternoon , but I didnt care. When I went out later that night I placed my pants and sweater over my night gown and hit the town. If I was ever attacked..my attacker would have probably thought I dressed for the occasion. Obviously I am deranged.
Just finished putting some polish on my nails ...I am hoping we get to go out tonight. We are supposed to meet one of his old friends and I am kind of excited. Guess I just want to go out and do adults things...have adult conversations with someone other than him, and not from my work place.
I do have a stalker story to tell...in case I go missing , please use this as evidence.
So...I have a neighbour (3rd apt from my right)..either he is extremely nosey or a psycho path who is tracking my movements for the kill. Since I moved...every time I leave or come in...I see him..either by the window or by the door. Atfirst I thought it was a coincidence...but no its not. It would be 4 in the Am, 2 in the evening, 7 am or anytime in between cause I keep odd hours, this man would be there. First it began with him in the window....I remember one day @ 2 am I felt "snacky" ...so I ran to Krystals for fries and when I pull in...there he is peeping through the blinds..but the dumbassness about it was the lights were on. Why would u take so much effort to be clandestine and look through the smallest slants in your blinds but still have the lights on so I can see the entire outline of your body. I looked up...we both stared at each for 2 long minutes and then I did what came naturally ...I waved. But the bozo didnt wave back..which made it even more psycho like. After that it didnt matter what time I came in or left he was there..peeping through his blinds...However I continued waving to him to acknowledge I see his nosey ass..and now he waves back.
However he was now stepped up his game. He now opens the door..looks at me...blinks..head nods and closes the door..just like that...I swear..has no legitimite reason for opening the door and has done this repeatedly. Now I wonder..what the hell does this guy do all day..I see no car...he doesnt leave the house at any point that I recall..and I dont know if its him alone in the apt or does he live with someone (mainly I dont know cause I dont pay attention). But from now on I will...he is on my radar now!!! I swear I may have a psycho in my complex. I do know we house one rapist....( I looked up convicted felons in the area and low and behold there is one listed to be living in the apartment complex..however he is not it...and I memorized this guys picture)
Anyway thats my psycho story...
I am off to fold laundry, watch some online tv and get my uniforms ready for the weeks ahead.

Tired of apologizing

Ever got tired of being the only one who says "I'm sorry". Its like whether you are the wrong or wronged party , you're always the one to call truce. Well truthfully I am tired...plain old tired.
Tired of being the one making an effort to not wake up mad in the morning, but I hate when people just want to hold on to their anger.
Well you know what...hold on to it! Hope it keeps you happy.

Muscles

I am sitting in bed, watching hubby move about the room shirtless talking on the phone, and I must admit I am lusting. His shoulders and back muscles are getting me wet, which is very embarrassing to say however I find myself staring. Sometimes I watch him come out of the shower and just pray for him to drop the towel, like that D'Angelo video, you know the one where he is naked. My favorite part of his body is his torso...he has been complaining of getting a little stomach but I dont see that...all I see is abs and think of sex. Maybe is the beer I am drinking that has me horny, or the fact that his left nipple looks so damn suckable.
Anyway obviously I need help...
okay I am going to stop lusting and go back to my book....
*talks to self * Concentrate..concentrate...concentrate*

The Beach and Pajamas.

Yesterday I had an incredible urge to see the water. So I went to the beach.Its 49 degrees here but was so sunny and bright. It could have easily been mistaken for July if not for the winter coats. So I sat in the comfort of my warm car and stared at the water.
Then it hit me....I must live near the water. Probably not the beach....a lake is more than sufficient. The water was so calming and relaxing I almost fell asleep. But as I sat as stared I couldnt help but think...."WOW God is so incredible" Who else could have made the clouds, trees, lake, sand, grass so beautiful. Peacefully doesnt even begin to describe it. I wish I had a camera, but I was still in Pajama pants so that will tell you I wasnt prepared. I just came home from work that morning, took a shower and put them on and was out the door like I was dressed to impress. lol

Thats another thing...lately I have been living in these green pajama pants with bird prints. I had a nurse preceptor who told me when she is home she stays in her robe and only takes it off to pick up her kid. At the time I thought....thats depressing. But here I am on day 2 of my days off and I am still in my pajama pants. Now mind you I have left the house...which is the most embarrassing thing of all. Yesterday I looked like a green Leperchaun..I had on green top, green pajama pants and green sneakers. A site to be seen, but I didnt care...these damn pants are so darn comfy. As I told my hubby "keeps me warm when I want and cool when I need"...
He laughed @ me too. I used to laugh @ people who wear pajama pants out in public..but it seems I have lost my sense of shame. Ah well *shrugs*

Anyway I am going to take a shower and I promise I will not put on the pants today. Today I will look like I belong among people. lol who knows...

Back to the Grind

So I work tonight...seems like forever since I went to work...lol
Anyway I got up relatively early for my standards...10 am and got started on my day...
so far laundry is done, food is being made for tonight's lunch and the place has been vaccummed and cleaned.
YES I am proud of myself too. However tomorrow I do have other errands to run as well.
I am hoping today I nap by 2:30 and feel rested enough to deal with the night ahead. I feel like Ali...ready , and reved up to go fight the battles ahead.
And as I was saying earlier about the Financial Warchest, now although I do believe in it...and everyone man or woman should have one...I dont believe their is need to intentionally hide it from your spouse. I am sure they will understand the reasoning and you should urge them to have their own. Its not about them or a measure of your committment to them....no its about you. Having your own sense of security. As women we are obsessed with feeling secure....on dark nights we walk to our cars with our taser and flash light in hand, we double check our locks when home alone, we make sure our kids are buckled up in the back before we even place our own seatbelts on. This is just another sense of our need for security.

Anyway enough about that....Last night I was playing "21 Asinine Questions" to pass time and entertain myself. So the question was posed....if "you , a woman, got in a freak accident and you were told they have to remove your vagina , how do you keep your man from leaving you after 2 months". Now I thought about it and I said " I didnt use my vagina to get my man so why should I have to use it to keep him." However the responses around me went something like "oral...anal....toys" And it hit me...why do we as women think our pussy is the end all and be all. Maybe its just me but I truthfully think the Power of the P has been decreasing for a long , long time. It seems folks are so willing to give it up so easily for anything that its value has declined.
Its not revered anymore...you can get it anywhere. Well that was my crazy thought for the day...I am off to nap.
LOL ..I bet you Janie is blushing @ my "P" talk. lol

LAZY DAYS

Its so dark , rainy and gloomy outside.
My plans today was curl my hair (two hour job I am not looking forward to), do laundry (another 1.5 hour job I am not looking forward to) and be productive. So I decided to scrap all that crap....I am going do nothing...or atleast my version of nothing. I just put on some old reggae...old time Shaggy and decided to change up my office alittle. I need a little change. Ofcourse its really too small to change much but I think just moving to desk to another angle and moving the filing cabinet and maybe adding a plant or ornament will make it feel more refreshing.
In my defense though I did cook and clean the kitchen as well as living room. So I did do my share of "house work" for the day.
I finally had my nails done yesterday and shaved my legs....in the words of my significant other "Feel like a woman". And I realised sometimes the simpliest thing as shaving ur legs and putting on a fresh coat of nail polish on ur toes can make you feel a world better.
I also bought a storage bench to place @ the end of the bed. Very pretty tapestry fabric, I am using it mainly to store the electric blanket and other comforter.
Just spoke to my brother....his only compliant... "I just wish I knew what they were saying"....I suggested he get Rosetta Stone to learn Japanese...he suggested Japanese for Dummies....I said whatever works. His only friend is on vacation in Jamaica so I am sure when he comes back he will begin enjoying it more. I think its the fact that he is no longer the big man on campus as he was before that is bugging him.
Overall the day has been an interesting one...I concluded that I stand by my views of a Financial Warchest ( Go back a few posts)....I think it slowly breaks someone spirit to feel indebted to another person. I was listening to one of my girlfriends fight with her significant other..and it wasnt pretty...not at all. But I felt both of their pain and hurt and decided I will always instill in my children that Financial independence is important , not only for aquiring material things but more importantly to maintaining your spirit , your sanity. When someone throws back "what they have done for you" in you face at every argument or disagreement , I akin that to cutting you. Some things are priceless...and my sanity, pride and confidence are not things that can be bought. There are things people bring to a relationship that dont have a monetary value but should be appreciated as if it did. AOL was right.."Finances are the number one cause of couples breaking up"...damn that article!

Ending the Year with a bump....*thats the sound I make when i fall on my ass

I know its been a while but I have two wacky stories to tell...
1st...so Day before new years eve Hubby and I went roller skating @ a local ring. If I havent told you this before....I am not a skater...infact that was the second time in my life...yes folks entire life I ever put on a pair of skates....The first time...well lets say I injured my partner so badly that I believe I may have single handedly ended his family's generation (my skates.. his balls ...you get the picture). Anyway so hubby and I went roller skating , jist of it I fell thrice, took out a five year old kid and concluded that I am a "carpet skater"....has more traction.
We had so much fun...even though I thoroughly embarrassed myself. And I injured hubby as well...mistakenly poked him in the eye...dont worry he is not blinded. But obviously my skating partners always get injured.

Anyway New Years eve we took our butts to the zoo , dollar Wednesdays, can you say I love discounts. I got to pet a pony...their hair isnt as soft as I thought it was but it didnt stink as much as I imagined.
That night we rang in the new year eating pizza in bed, drinking beer & watching movies on Netflix.com. I think it was the best new Year's ever.
We also slowed dance to SugarLand trying to figure what would be "our song"...but came to no conclusion cause he is too darn picky. But it felt great to just keep the world abay and just enjoy us.
Its been a while since we enjoyed us...I sometimes forget how good it feels.

My brother also left for Japan...I guess maybe it hasnt hit me yet or maybe we are so used to having our relationship via phone that I dont feel like he is "gone". Christmas was nice though...everyone enjoyed their presents...my nieces were freaking excited about their gifts...Madame "R" ( my 8 yr old cousin) loves her presents as well, but I can sense in her voice she is misssing me badly..and I have to admit..I kind of miss the Prissy lil brat myself (and I say this with love..I know my cousin and she is what I say she is).
My dad supposed to be coming back to NY from Trinidad this month...but I have to see it to believe it...My brother said he wasnt eating well or taking care of himself as he should...which is not suprising. My father play's Santa Clause to every Tom, DIck & Harry with their hands out and forgets he himself has no groceries in his own home. It kills me but like I told my mother two days ago..."Y'all giving me a headache, I am going back to sleep"..in other words...I am not in the right frame of mind to deal with this...I may curse someone out...so tell me nothing for a while. Sounds selfish yes...but sometimes you just have to let go and let things run its course without doing a thing.
Anyway I am going to sit down and pay some bills...gosh I hate this time of the month.