Never say I dont deliver....better late than never

Okay so its really been a while since I spoke....really spoke. Many things have happened, one of the topics off the table for discussion is my exam. That has been blogged about to death. And I feel like death when I talk about it so I will move on to my TN trip, the moving, and all the inbetween. No real drama, thankfully....atleast not on my side. I have been listening to other's drama though...it took the place of Genera Hospital while my tv was out.

 

Okay TN was great. First off I got offered the job I wanted. I want to do a gig, but ofcourse the job is only valid when I get my liscense. But it felt good to get that "We want you" call. But really the big news was how I felt about TN itself. And I must admit, I had reservations, I have lived in NY most of my teenage and adult life. Alot of "Firsts" in this city. And I love it. Sure I was born and raised in the Caribbean, I have that Trini in me...always will and when my brain is on the fritz or I am deliriously happy my Trini twang can be heard singing its way from my lips usually accompanied by either a loppy grin and a raised eyebrow.  And I love Trinidad. the smell...taste..sounds.

So to have two places occupying my heart would seem like enough. But I have to say I can see myself in TN. Now I wont say I am head over heels, lets get real...its too quick too soon. But I like it, the sights, the people, the weather, the sounds. But mainly the peace and relaxed feeling I felt there. Now that could be from the lack of family demands or stress. But I would like to think it was the place itself. It had such a family atmosphere that made my crave for things I shouldnt be....not yet. But I enjoyed those feelings anyway.  When I sat at the riverfront I closed my eyes and saw myself walking along with two kids running circles around me and me with a silly grin loving every moment of it. And its not just the thought of a family and moving on to a new chapter in my life. It was more of that look on my face and what it represented. I had a look of peace and content,  genuine happiness that had more to do with me being happy with where I was in that stage of my life.

 

 

 

Anyway came back to the city and had to get ready to move to a smaller apt . Rent kept going up and up and it was not in anyone's best interest to stay where we were. So we up and left, we were on a wait list for a more affordable apt , rent stabilized , and when it came though we jumped at the chance. It has its pros and cons but for some reason I am okay with it, or maybe indifferent. I havent decided. All I know is that its fine for me for now.

I finally cleaned up all theses bills and papers on my desk and now I am ready to focus. The apt is put away, 98% and thats enough for me. I have more important things to focus on.

All else is good..Hubby is well, Family is healthy  and Friends are happy so all in all I can say I am blessed.

The other day I decided to play 21 questions with my friends ( Yes I was bored @ work....even my homegirl was like "R U Serious" and my hubby at the end of it asked "R u Depressed"...to which I both replied..."NO"...I was just bored)....anyway,  I realised that there is alot we think we know about the people we are close to  but really dont. So this is my parting excerise. PLay 21 Questions with a friend or family member or two @ a time, but do it in a way where correspondence is via, email, text message or any communication where they have to write it out. This way it gives them and u time to think about the questions. Take turn asking the questions....2 at a time for each person. And see what interesting things u learn.

 

Anyway folks I am off to shower and get the rest of this day started...smiles* Its gonna be a good day.

 

 

 

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I am not dead

I am back

Just been busy and a bit cut off from the rest of the world for a while.

But I am back on the grind.

Finally got my internet back on....moving is a B*tch. This isnt the Tn move but to a smaller apt.in NY....TN move comes later.

Anyway as you all know I am disappointed about not passing on the first go around , but I have faith that I will pass next time.

I am in the midst of getting organized and studying . Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I will be back on the blogging scene soon. This is just a hello to let you know .,.I havent flatlined and my pulse is steady.

talk to you all soon

 

failed

thats all...

now I am going to curl up and cry for a few hours

Hidding from the World

Okay two minutes ago my computer fell...and I saw red! Maybe in my mind it was bleeding but I wanted to cry. Lately everything I touch breaks..its like I have butter fingers. Yesterday it was my dresser draw, first piece of furniture I ever worked hard and bought myself. No help, no hand-me -downs. Mine. Bought and paid for. And yesterday while trying to open the bottom draw the darn front panel came out in my hands. I was so mad....no scratch that I am frustrated!

The exam, moving, breaking things, all that crap has frustrated me.

Soon as people call I say.."I dont want to talk about it"....it was terrible. I wanted to cry @ the end of the darn thing....6 hours...6 hours of torture....I just want to pass...I dont want to do this over again...I am tired. I keep praying for sanity....knowledge and a miracle.

I so need a miracle.

Yesterday I came home and just curled up in bed..ignoring my phone...and talking only when neccessary and it was usually to the TV. ANd this morning the plan was to work..go to work and try to move on. But I cant face the world..I think I am going to wallow in self pity a little longer...How can one exam make u feel so violated.

So today although I am wallowing I have to be productive, so I will continue packing.

I keep telling myself , He brought me this far and wont let me down...I have been in so many tight situations before...and He always brought me through. Worn, tattered but eternally grateful and with a more renewed faith than before. But that doesnt stop me from worrying.

I have faith...I will pass ...yesterday I passed (this is my mantra....please let me be)

Thank you Lord for bringing me through as you always have

 

 

Obviously I am deranged!

I am officially worried myself into oblivion.

I spent most of the day, cramming, studying, doing practice exams, packing , walking around confused trying to figure out what to do next, jumping from one thought to the next, slowing losing my sanity over tomorrow's exam.

And now I am going to bed...or atleast trying to.... Janie thanks for the prayers I will need it.

I need to lie down I am giving myself a head ache

 

 

 

Nervous as Sh*t

Exam is Wednesday...life or death

I dont even know if I am coming or going..feel so confused.

Help me.....

I know soon as its over I will be less anxious but right now I am shitting bricks.

I need a miracle

 

Back in the air

In a couple of hours I will be back in the air , back to NY. I am very sad...I never thought I would even think about missing Chatt. town. But I think I will. I didnt fall in love with Chattanooga right away...it took me a while...but as someone described it "its small town living with big city amenities". And I realised...they are right...its laid back but not slow...and it embodies what I am looking for. A place where I can slow down, relax, think about raising a family, enjoy outside activities, and get about to enjoying life. I realised that at some point I stopped enjoying life as I used to. And this change is needed. 

 I found my favorite place in Chattanooga, and as my Hubby told me, its everyone's favorite. But you know for some reason it didnt take anything away from it knowing that  I was sharing it with hundreds of people. Its called the Riverfront. I will show pics soon as I can. I have a camera full of pictures, of everything and everyone.

But most of all I will miss Hubby....I know it will only be a couple of months and I have to take care of business and wrap things up in NY,  but I feel like crying. Its always like this. I get used to him , his smell, walk, way he talks, insistant humming, way his skin feels.

So I wonder...would it always be like this. Would I always be obessed with how he feels, tastes, talks, smell, thinks and just is?  I am sure it will wear off as sometimes it has , but then that....I am happy, giddy feeling comes back.

I dont want to go....I want to stay curled in bed under his arms in a dark cool room with slow jams playing. With this thought I have decided we are gonna take a vacation together. A real vacation...with no family obligations..no domestic issues.....no work...no school...no other people with issues...no one calling our names but each other. I want a vacation for just us...we never had a real one. And I vow by this time next year I will have blogged about our great vacation. And it will be somewhere warm and near the beach...there will be water activities!!!!

Anyway folks I have done packing and now getting ready to hit the airport. Sighs*