The red journal

I am ruminaging through some old journals and I came across the one that started it all ...the "Red Journal"..mainly cause as the name suggested it was the color red, and I was going through my red phase (and many people will still say I am still experiencing it), my love for red shoes, bags,  and my infamous red dress and jacket.

Anywho.... I was going through old journals and I found this list I made (yes I have a love for lists, like an OCD patient with a love for counting).

Its my list of things, people and places that makes me happy

1. Reading ( I am one of those people who rake up fines @ the library , right now owe them 23 bucks, I am going to pay them just not right away)

2.  visiting Museums with good company

3. Travelling with good company

4. Long train rides with "no where in particular" as my destination

5. Music

6. Brooklyn Heights Promanade

7. Reading @ Prospect Park on a summer day

8. Eating fishcakes @ Sugar Cane (one of the best darn caribbean restuarants in Brooklyn)

9. Talking to my girls about every thing under the sun

10. Taking afternoon naps with my Love (4pm is out knock out time)

 

My reason for bringing up this list was to ask you all to name ten things,people or places that make you happy and try to enjoy them as often as you can. Revisit your happy place. Or like Susan Johnson said in "Hot Pink" ..."I am the rat and you're the sugar pellet and I am going to keep pushing that feel-good button until I drop." So over indulge on the happy drugs (no I am not urging u to do extacy people!). Just evaluate what makes you happy and enjoy them.

 

I wrote it...and then it happened

Well today I started my day reading the Oprah Magazine february 2008 edition and came across a few articles on love, relationships and marriage. Seems Oprah and I have been mulling over the same things and wondering the secret to successful marriages. Anyway, one of the first articles was called "the Love List" and it was about a woman who wrote 100 things she wanted in a man and buried the list in a closet. And then, "oddly enough a man who matched the list almost exactly strolled in her life". Now this reminded me of my own list or specifically prayer I had many years ago (okay it has not been so long but it feels like a lifetime).

A long time ago, before I met hubby, on a train ride home, I was contemplating my strings of dead end relationships and the tragic and sudden end of one good potential . And I remember crying about being lonely (luckily I was in a train car alone, so I could bawl as hard as I wanted to). And I began to pray that I find a man; a man to love me, whom I loved, spiritually intuned ,respects the spirit world, thinks with his heart, accepted my stubborness and independence, laughed with me, loved with me , fought with me, cared for me and allows me to do the same for him, honest with me, as well as a host of other characteristics. I was at the stage where , like India Arie, "Ready for Love" (one of my favorite songs, look it up). And when I met hubby I told him (obviously not right away) , I prayed for you and you came, because I recognized he was sent for me and embodied all I sought in a my man, my partner. And then a few months after meeting him I  later on made a list of reasons I liked him (wasnt ready to admit love as yet)  

1. he was not afraid to be silly & make fun of himself

2. interested in what I say & do

3. honest

4. makes me laugh

5. nonjudgemental

6. his humming when he is relaxed, stressed or tired (its still a cute and tell tale sign to his state of mind )

7. his love for people and animals he loves

8. always thinking of me

And now as I compare what I want to what I got...I believe I got exactly what I asked for. So for those who are reading it, I ask "Who is your dream spouse" and is he/she the same person you are with today?"

Another article that got the wheels in my head turning, surrounded the topic     " The Worst Fight of your marriage could be the best thing you ever did".     The first article of the "Worst Fight.. " series , called "Whats wrong with being angry"  really hit me to the core and made me evaluate one of my relationship fears...fighting. And I felt like the husband in this article who said "I did not want to be angry, I did not want her to be angry, and I did not want our marriage to have anger within it. I wanted peace and harmony and attunement-and sex." 

I know its okay to be angry, and nothing is wrong with it. But often times we try not to be, we try not to rock the boat in fear that it would mean the relationship is bad, or it could be a begining to an end to us. But as Mark Epstein, the author, pointed out "disruption, failure and disagreement is healthy and normal and learning to transition between connection and separateness without losing faith is a great challenge" (faith in the relationship that is).  

And so I say, I will go forth today fighting but with faith; faith in our love, longevity, committment to each other.

Now I will go back to the "friendly debate" on CNN between the Obama & Clinton.

Seniors

First off I want to thank Janie for her input and kind words. Its most welcomed. Also I am keeping an eye on your blog as well. *smiles*

Well today I had a plan, take my father to replace his Benefit card. Now I have been through this before, so i anticipated a hectic, long day. Well boy was I wrong, I am happy to report I left the house at 9am and have made it home @ 1pm, and had time for lunch and play. Nice huh?!

The traffic in NY is always a b*tch but today it was filled with A-holes and inconsiderate SOBs but I held in my rage and didnt flip anyone the bird today. However my father did mention my F-Bombs were not nice *shrugs* It slipped out and that truck driver deserved it. I noticed that I've been cursing alot lately (note to self, put away my 2PAC and DMX for a while)

Nevertheless we spent less than an hour @ the Benefits office which is a record in my book and was back on the road. I couldnt contain my glee. Anyway so my dad wanted to visit some friend in Queens, which is fine, but travelling is difficult for daddy and it was raining and windy so I compromised and promised I will be his chaffeur Saturday with no "back talk".And if you know me, I am always full of "back talk". But I know how lonely he gets at times since all his friends (the little he has left since the accident) are back home in Trinidad.To make up I decided we should check out the senior center near our home (another item we have been procastinating on).He was so happy and excited about all the activities they have there. Bingos, dancing, cards and food for $1. Also all the women thinking he is the best hting since slice bread, (Apparently the women out number the men @ the center 4:1, so testerone is always a hot commodity)

I think boredom is one of the worst things about growing old and being retired, especially when you have phsycial disability. Travelling is a B, some of your friends may not be retired or have moved away, everyone else is working or is busy during the day.  I hope he makes lots of friends. Its one thing my dad is, its friendly.And since its right up the block shouldnt be a issue. Plus it will get him off the darn tv. And they loved him, to them he was like a gold mine, "male and young". I think he will have lots of fun there.

I also asked about volunteering. Its been a while since I taught jewerly making, it always used to calm me, a break away from the usual. Sure I can probably do the blood pressure thing, and help out the nurse there. But I dont want to. I need to develop my skills and regain that happy go lucky person I seem to misplaced as of late.

Over all been a good day. I feel "light".*smiles*

 

 

Not a bad day- rather productive

Hmm

This week is definately looking better...emotionally that is. No crying fits, no bouts of anger. So far not bad. Spent most of today looking for apartments, doing my research and all that crap. And I realised through it all, he (the Hubby) is right, I am a control freak. "Hi, I am Jane and I am anal retentive and proud of it!"

So I am searching for an apartment, sure I know I have a couple of months to go but it never hurts to be ready and have all your ducks in order.So today I decided to approach this "project" systemetically.

Goals

1. Narrow down search to viewing 3 apartment ( I hate to waste time, so I refuse to view places that arent worth my $3.21 per gallon of gas to get there)

2. Only two will be allowed to run my credit ( I get annoyed @ the credit thing, cause everytime some nosey somebody wants something, its "your SS# and date of birth please", and since I am trying to keep my score as high as it could possibly be, I guard it like a Marine assigned to Forth Knox)

3. All apartments are to be checked out by apartmentratings.com (P.S. there are some very pissed off tenants in the U.S., but a great website when you can find the apartment you are looking for, inside information is always welcomed)

Then I further broke down my choices based on 3 Criterias, I call them A, B, & C ( yes I know by now, you are going "Oh My Goodness! You are nuts, its cute, but crazy"

Criteria A- was based on location , apt must be less than 20 minutes away from future job site. (Living in NY and taking an 1.5 hr subway and train rides to your work or school can really weigh you down, I have had enough..its 20 minutes or less or nothing at all!!!)

Criteria B- Based on Pricing, which is self explanatory.

Criteria C- Based on layout of floor plan ( do I like it or not), amenities, overall surroundings and all that.

And I am happy to report I have narrowed it down to 4! Sure its not 3, but I didnt say I cant be flexible, plus the 4th is my "dream apartment, which basically means I can only dream I can afford this sh*t".

Anyway thats it for the day, atleast for now. Have to run to my final review class and then I am officially free!!!

P.S. Thank you Jen for your words of encouragement *smiles*

And now I am off!

Marriage=endurance

I got an answer to my marriage question. For those who last 20, 30 plus years its about endurance, committment and forgiveness. Ofcourse I am realistic to know you can forgive but not forget. But have I forgiven? I dont know but I do wish I forgotten. I tried to delete the letter today..but decided to read it one more time. Got angry but left it there. I am not ready probably will never be. But I have been moving forward with us. I have been committed to us. I mean for goodness sake I am still here. Loving as hard and as long as I can.

I just wish I was back in my secure bubble of ignorant bliss. I didnt have to know. I didnt want to know. I dont know why its been almost a year and I am dealing with this now like its yesterday. No, I do know. Its cause I started writting again, and I am writting again so I wont keep my anger inside and snap @ someone.

I see us as one of those couples...20,30 plus yrs down the road and still together loving each other. Enduring the kids, the careers, midlife crisis , grandchildren, teenage pregnancies and finanicial troubles. I see him besides me. But for that to happen I have to let go. Let it go. And give me credit I have been doing so. In fact I have been doing a great job *pats self on back*

But I still get pissed...and lately this is my "pissed time".  But I have to remember this too shall past. Its becoming my mantra. I am hoping this week will be better. Cause I am tired of crying...my tear ducts are dry.

Was it worth it?

Should I scream like my brother "Was it fucking worth it?". Ofcourse he didnt get an answer, only sniffling and crying.

But I do want to know...Was it worth it? Is it ever

Cheating...forgiving and forgetting

I always wondered about couples who have been married for a long time, I mean 20 and 30 years plus, I am sure they had their ups and downs. And in those up and downs someone at some point had to have been unfaithful. Its human nature I think.  So I wonder how do they move on after the down, the betrayal, the lies and distrust? Do they ever really go back to the way they were..do they move on and love harder and longer than before? Can the Hurt party ever get past it, or even the Offending party , can they ever regain their spouse's trust?

I wonder because....I hope they do...I want them to...cause it gives me hope. And I need hope. There has been a crack in my foundation, relationship foundation and I have been ignoring it. Saying to myself..."it happened but you want this to work, so get over your anger and try". And I have been doing so. But I realized I also have not been dealing with it. We don't say her name, speak about the incident , we act like it never existed, never happened. But it did. And I am hurt. The other day I mentioned her, I mentioned that I kept her letter to me (the Bitch).  And he suggested I let the letter go, I destroy it, delete it, or like the things I keep that bring me joy, those same things that I keep that bring me sorrow will stay and hurt me as long as I keep it.

I havent decided to get rid of it yet, cause frankly I am not ready. Its a reminder. But like I decided a while ago, I will try, try to make it work , try not to be angry and try to move on.   Cause I have hope, hope that it will work, that we would love harder and longer. Mainly because when I  close my eyes I still see him, see us together 20 ,30 yrs from now. I see our future, am I deluded? Probably but I can live with it.

So if any one out there who have been married or been with a person for a long time have any thoughts you are welcomed to share.Or any nosey people who just want to share their beliefs.