I am not a doctor..but I know what I am doing, I play one on tv!....lol

Okay people I have just finished endulging in one of my many vices...Grey's Anatomy...and it was the best episode to date since Denny was on the show. So finally Izzie and Karev are resuming their relationship....go back a few posts and I tell you how much I love them and Yang is finally moving on from Burke, with "Hot Military Super Doc"....okay thats my long name for him at least for now but I will call him "RED" until I find out his name (he sports a red beard....trust me he is "scruffy sexy"). Anyway I spent this morning trying to familiarize myself with the online class I am taking. Already I have some stuff to read and class starts in a little over a week. I dont mind it but soon as I saw I needed to read some papers I thought "OH crap, I am back in school".
My Hubby is going through some things with school and ofcourse he does his silent bit. I learned a long time ago he will talk to me when he is ready, but its annoying waiting for him to express his feelings. And then when he does, he drops bomb shells and just walks away. He is one of those people that will just say stuff like " I have cancer, goodbye". No explanation , no lets discuss it , nothing. Its like , he says it , the world has ended and we are not going try to save it. And I hate that. but I deal. But what gets me is when I do give an opinion or even try to say..try it this way...he is up in arms about how I dont understand or will never get it. So I just listen...I sit and listen, but even when I sit and listen he thinks I dont care. There is no pleasing , so *shrugs* I ride it out.
I can see this is going be a long week , but I have made an "October/December Resolution" try to do the oposite of what I normally do. If I usually offer sage advice to the unenlightened...."do nothing..say nothing"....I am tired of repeating myself and doing the same thing over and over again. I am usually a "Fixer", I have a superhero complex that makes me think when I see something wrong I should swoop in and try and fix. But I have to realise alot of people dont appreciate my help....so I refuse to expend my energy where it is not wanted. If someone wants me, my opinion , or help or just want to talk.....I want to hear those words. I will do nothing until I hear those words..I dont care how fucking painful it is to say them. I am used to fighting..to being the active party...no more...I am going to be as Zen as Buddha...I am going with the flow. Picture me floating down stream...peaceful as can be (faceup people...I am floating faceup!)

The Oh Crap factor!!

So I being the night person I have now become it was a B for me to get up early this morning for an 8 am Mandatory meeting at work....especially when I went to bed @ 6am. No I wasnt working..at least not at work...I was taking care of things at home. And even though I set my alarm and said "I am only going rest my head a bit"...I woke up to the clock blinking 7:45am and my alarm "deafeningly silent"....damn that off button for being so near. And ofcourse on this "Oh sh*t factor" day I was having...the usually traffic-less Chattanooga was filled with drivers who wont move their asses.....and those who intended on stopping at every traffic light there was...and ofcourse for the speed demon clawing at me to release her from her cage....I had the pleasure Chattanooga's Finest patrolling around at this peak hour. I barely made it...and that "continental breakfast" they promised was just muffins and water...they need to work on that. But the good news was that I made it.
And also got flowers out of the deal...I think I am doing well dont you.lol
Anyway I was able to finish up the last of my files and clear my desk last night. That was a major plus for me.I have been working on clearing my desk for weeks...if not months...it feels good to have everything put away. Also finally stepped into the HR offices at work to ask about retirement plans and tuition reimbursement...and got the ball rolling. Feeling good about crossing these items off my list. Anyway I am off to be me and maybe prepare for the day tomorrow...I have the lunch part ready so....I am 80 percent there.

Weird Dreams, Stirrups and Cats...lets begin

For two nights in a row I have been having strange dreams...and they all center around extra money. I know ..I know..obviously subconciously something is bothering me. Being broke is no fun, but being broke with other people depending on your finances is even worst. Anyway , I vaguely remember my dream....it goes like this....I check my mail box and every day there is a check in the mail for a $1,000 +, a green check. For three days I recieve these checks with no idea where they are coming from. But then I start thinking of all the bills and things that need to be paid with the checks..like a down payment for a house, student loans, money for parents. I should get excited about the dream but I remember the saying that when u dream money u about to lose money...or some crap like that. Anyway that was the first portion of my day.Next off was my trip to the Ob/gyn.
As previously blogged, I finally found an OB who fit my criteria. What I didnt expect was that she was so "earthy". Nothing about her screamed doctor...or superior being. Infact she was so down to earth in her t-shirt and acid wash jeans I kept looking around for the real doc. Not only that....she did everything her self. I think that was the best part of all...I was in and out of there in 45 minutes top. First off...I was the only "client" in the waiting room....five minutes after filling out the forms I was seen....another plus....and she didnt make meaningless chit chat. ...plus plus plus. I think I am inlove with my OB's office.
I also stopped into one of the local Pet Adoption center's....curiousity maybe. *shrugs* But soon as I walked in I remembered the cons to my wanting a pet....the smell...I dislike the smell....the poop...If I can teach my pet to use the toilet and flush at the same time..I will be in heaven ...but then by the time I left I also remembered why I want a pet....there was the smallest, cutest little black kitten curled in fetal position near its mother....just staring at her made me want to take her home...she looked like she needed a hug..like me. I also realised that none of the dogs there appealed to me. None of them....they were too intimitating....even the four "puppies" as the center called them...I call them dogs.....at the back of the building made me think twice about stepping back there to check them out. But I will try another place later....maybe they have the pet for me. But that little kitten tugged at my heart strings.

tummy ache..I am awake...obviously not drunk enough

I spent the last few minutes trying to look up Loan forgiveness programs in TN. And I would qualify however there is one hiccup and soon as I make a phone call I will be able to settle it all. I have been nauseous for weeks, and although typically I would be thinking...the big Pregnant question...I am doubting it. But I do know lately I have a really weak stomach. I used to be able to watch the bloodiest and goriest things while eating a bacon egg sandwhich but lately as it was recently demonstrated just the mention of "deer guts" got me running for the bathroom. I need to find some good freaking vitamins and settle my stomach cause I am tired of being "Sick Jane". Sick Jane is pathetic and a sissy. And ladies and gents I am not a sissy. I am anything but...infact I am many things...a Toolbelt Diva, Bitch on Wheels, Loyal Friend, Fierce Warrior, Fearless Lover...I know "S" is reading this rolling her beady lil eyes. Yes....I am all these things but I am not a sissy. However lately between the dizzyness and nausea I have become sissified, asking for cups of water and aspirin while laying 2 feet away from the fridge. Hell even in the middle of moving furniture about this weekend, I had to take a "break"..aka rush to the bathroom. What is wrong with me...maybe I have IBS or Diviticulitis or some other GI disorder. Or it could just be that shrimp from dinner. HMMMM.
Tomorrow I have to be productive....I need to stop dragging my feet and get things done....return phone calls and all that crap I have been avoiding all week. Sometimes I really hate been productive....

Cant hold my liqour for sh*t

I am a light weight when it comes to alcohol... I always knew this, hence when I go hanging out my limit will always be two...and thats if I am not driving. Hell even with one I dont take the chance. I dont become a belligerent drunk like some people, or even a frisky drunk like my hubby or a talkative drunk like my girlfriend....no I am the quiet, will fall asleep any second type of drinker. I dont last but an hour.
So here I am after taking myself for dinner and drinks thinking...I shouldnt have had that DARN FLIRTINI...I had plans for the night. Finish my Dean Koontz novel, watch some more Law and Order and just relax. Now its all shot to hell. Anyway I have to say I am loving the new Blogspot. Its not bad...not bad at all ( yes this is high praise from me). This weekend I wanted to go out and relax and enjoy the fall weather...but you know what they say "Man plans and God laughs". I am not even surprised to tell you the truth, more like resigned....to sit and observe the predictable cycle. Its kind of disappointing but ah well...Que Sera Sera.
I think I will find some self help books about developing spending plans and saving for retirement. But I will make a confession...I hate self help books and what they represent. Okay I loathe them. When I see people with self help books I think..."You are so pathetic that you are going let someone make money off of you with obvious statements you could have deduced for free on your own". But I know nothing about finances....nothing at all.. I tried my own research on IRAs and Roth's and all that Jazz and I feel like I havent even scratched the surface. I have been on a "debt diet" (yes its Oprah's term) for 2 yrs...but I feel like I am slowly falling off the wagon...so I need to get back on track. I was inspired by an article in USA today about these women who formed a financial club , like a book club, and examined their individual finances together. Now I am not that bold...I refuse to let someone look at my finances unless I am paying you to, and even then you better have mastered your most non-judgemental poker face by then. Cause I dont need any raised eyebrows about my purchases... I only want solutions...dont repeat the problem to me..I am aware of it already...I dont need mocking birds. Wait how did we get on this subject. ...Oh yeah, my reading the newspaper at the bar...right...I think I will look into some books to improve my finances. I have a goal to purchase a home in a few years, and I want to achieve it. I always read so many conflicting stories about how much you should put down as your down payment. And then I begin thinking..how long it will take me to achieve that Down Payment...the average first time buyer takes 2.2 yrs..thank you HGTV. Anyway my momentum is slowly dissipating , GN all.

Second Firsts

Last night was indeed the strangest night of all....not only was it slow and I only had three patient's which is a first for me. I also prepared my first dead body. Although it wasnt one of my patients, I volunteered to do so cause I never didnt before...and eventually I knew I had to learn and this was the best time to do so. I was suprisingly poised about the whole thing...but also too excited..I was volunteering to put on the toe tag...one of the other nurses was laughing at me. But I also had a flash back from when my grandmother died....its strange now to be on the "Nursing" side of the entire scene.
Also a coworker and I at one point had the same number of patients and a new one was coming in. So we battled it out like grown people to see who would get to sit on their ass and relax a little longer....We played "Paper, Rock,Scissors" ..his suggestion though...unfortunately for him..I won! lol...He was not a happy camper after that. but we laughed about it later.

Another first was that I got to leave work 3 hours early ( I had the least amount of patients that night) ...not enough patient's so I happily turned over my folks to the other nurses and headed home. I also got to ride in a police car with the lights on...lol...no folks I wasnt in the back seat...I was getting a ride to my car. They escort you to your vehicle at times. I like that.....anyway the Cop was so cool he goes "want to see the lights"..and ofcourse...I am like a kid in a candy store checking out all the freaking buttons in the buttons.."Darn skippy I do!" I replied and the fun began. lol
By the time I hit the bed...I was too tired and happy to even replay the day to hubby....I will later...he will get a kick out fo the cop car..I know it.
Talk to you folks later...I am off to enjoy the weekend.

Looking forward to the weekend

I am sitting in bed at 9 30 am which is early for the night owl in me, reading the newspaper. Its been so long that I came out of the lil bubble I call my world to join the rest of human society. And I remembered why I like my world better...its a "nicer" place to dwell in. In between page 1-5 , I read about 2 shootings, the downward spiral of the economy, the rigged election (yes those are my words I am still bitter from the last one) and the descent of people's morals into hell (the crap people do for money is ridiculous).
I used to watch the news alot, read the newspaper everyday on my way to school but then I found myself becoming bitter...more angry and cynical about life. My "sunny" disposition was being chipped away by the constant absorption of negative energy. I like to be informed like the next man, but I also know my limits. I am an empath....every time I read or watch a tragedy I feel overwhelmed by sadness or grief and tears automatically start flowing. I start thinking of the loved ones that person has left behind, or the gap in someone's life that their death will create, or even how , if they are alive, will get over this tragedy. Its something I cant stop, I admit I am an emotional one...and because I know myself I know my limits in what I can and cant expose myself to. Anyway thats what I am doing up so early. My brother just called me to "check my pulse", I promptly said I was alive but its 9:30 in the am and I dont converse before breakfast. But I made an exception for him, he is leaving for Japan in 2 months and I must say..I will miss him. Even though he lives hundreds of mile away now, we still talk all the time. It wont be the same, and I know since he will be on a Ship most of the time and wouldnt be available when I need to vent to him about Life and family or share a quick laugh. He is still trying to talk me into getting a webcam, I will think about it....I know its a great way to keep in touch, but I am afraid one day I leave it on and I am changing my clothes and unbeknownst to me I am staring in my own "Paris Hilton type Movie" online. Those things are dangerous. And I just realised the clock on this blog thing is wrong....hmmm note to self.."change clock".
Anyway although I work tonight, I have the weekend off...or atleast part of it. I miss the weekends...I am still trying to find a schedule that really gives me enough time off to do what I need to do but yet also maximizes my pay check. Hopefully by the end of this month I find one that works for me. I realise some folks at work , work 4 to 5 days back to back on 12 hr shifts...I couldnt even do that if I was "uppers". Hell on my second day I am like.."this is bullshit, I miss my bed". On these work schedules you need breaks inbetween or you're just gonna get sick. And I want time off to enjoy life and do things.
I still want to hit up that local bookstore to sell these novels and buy a few others as well. I really like that store...its a great concept..huge inventory of old and new books. What I dislike about bigchain stores like B&N and Books a million..is that after a month or so they change their inventory and you cant find an older book by your favorite author...only their new stuff...and I get it..I know the reason why this is...but it sucks anyway. Wow I am talkative this morning arent I, especially for someone who hasnt had breakfast yet. I think its cause we were up most of the night. It has me energized. Anyway I am off to start breakfast and maybe do something outside of the house today...hmm who knows.

I am sexist when it comes to OB/GYNs and I wont apologize for it.

A good gynaecologist is hard to find. For months I have been looking, all I wanted was "She..yes has the Doc has to have what I have...a vagina..speak English, office is close to my home, taking new patients and basically speaks English". I know I said that already....but language barriers can be the difference between you and warm stirrups. We all want warm stirrups. Anyway finally I found her...I am excited. I know you must be thinking , whats the big deal with a OB/GYN. Well its important...I spend more time having intimate discussions with my Gyn than I do with my self. I had a great one before, infact she was a Nurse Practioner..which to me made it even better...they understand the nursing/caring part of medicine and has the power to write a prescription. I always thrive to look for Nurse Practioner's they are great. Anyway as I was saying...OBGYN's are important...I think its impertitve that a woman has a trusting relationship with that doc. A bad ob/gyn experience can really send a woman in hidding. I remember when I did my ER rotation there were so many girls coming in with no GYN. I was upset....mainly cause I thought..."Geez its time you take care of your body..you know your hairdresser by name but you dont have a personal OB/GYN!!!". Your body is your temple , and your vagina its core.
So here I am excited over finally finding an OB/GYN. Another thing to cross off my "To Do List".
Now if I can only find my ass over to the DMV to change my liscense I will be on schedule. lol

I am home...still have a long week ahead of me

Whew...to say the least its been a trying week...work has been very busy but today was the strangest of all....I actually found myself with "free time". At first I was baffled by the concept..lol...didnt know what to do...found myself making extra work for myself but the plus side about it...I got to come home ontime. Yesterday was also a busy day for the hospital as well, I heard there were guns pulled in the ER and they had to shut the thing down. Coming in last night I saw the news crews leaving and knew something was up. Even my usual entrance was locked. Security was very tight...lets see how long it lasts. Hell at NYU they have better security than at the hospital and they dont even carry guns. However if you ask where all the NYU security personnel come from 9/10 they are ex military or police. I remember thats the first thing I noticed while working there...to gain entry to and from the place is so ridiculously simple. They need to beef up their security.
Anyway it was a good night, however I ran out of uniforms and now I have to do laundry, even though I work tonight. I finally filled out my application for the Master's program and if all goes well I start at the end of this month. I am excited and my office is shaping up nicely.
I was having a conversation yesterday about my blog with a gf of mine and she asked me arent you afraid of it being read by everyone. And I immediately thought..."NO". Everything I speak about here I turn around and talk about it loudly. Just without so many F-bombs and I try to use my "Happy tone"..lol. I also thought...when this blog first started it was to be an outlet to vent my anger because before I didnt address what was bothering me head on. Now its just a place to talk about anything and everything...and since unlike her I dont care to pay a therapist to talk smack to...I have "Joe Public" to do so. I think when you have a place to share your feelings, whether its your best friends, spouse, therapist, parents or priest, it makes you a healthier person. It allows you to let go of the bad and focus on the good and wonderful. Like...you are loved and in love, you and your loved ones are healthy, happy and blessed. Cause some people arent that lucky. Some people are bitter, angry and miserable and they will try to bring that misery to your life just cause they see you are smiling. And truthfully when I see that...I think...I feel sorry for you...isnt that right Jenn?
smiles*

Firsts!

This is going be fast ad short..cause I am running back to work.
Last night I experienced alot of Firsts in Nursing. This was the first time I administered "Beer" as medication.....yes I kid you not. Instead of the patient going through detox, it was cheaper and my effective to give him his "six pack a day" regimen. I almost laughed....but then I realised they were not kidding. I have so many ethical questions about that one...but that would make this entry longer than it needs to be.
I had many other first's last night, but now today starts with another first. I am supposed to be sleeping right now...enjoying my day off...but I got my first "callback". Where they ask me to come back to work. I was a bit surprised..and ofcourse I could have refused...but they offered extra money and the day off tomorrow...plus I wanna buy Hubby a nice gift for our anniversary and buy that Massage recliner I have been eyeing. But truthfully, I am tired as shit! Soon after I got that phone call, I developed a headache. I havent eaten in how long, and I am on my last uniform for the week..I need to do laundry. I just hope it is better tonight...cause I might need to be placed on meds to keep my anger in check tonight to deal with some bullshit.
This morning though, I almost sh*t my pants....my boss called me into her office...I thought I did something wrong. First time, being called in her office. But she really just wanted to tell me she has been hearing good things about me. The relief on my face was so evident I swear I saw her smirk.
Even though I am a nurse, and I give all my patient's the same treatment...whether I like them or think they are bullsh*tting me and treating this Hospital as a Hotel...I still try to be impartial...but sometimes I too get attached to some patients. I feel their frustration at their situation. And its hard to not want to hug them and say..it will be oka. Last night was a first for that too.,

So I finally made it!

Well as most of you I was not happy about the closing of AOL Journals...frankly cause I am lazy and didnt feel like changing over...change doesnt come easy for me. Its not like I automatically oppose it, my brain just goes..."its not broke, why fix it". Anyway I am finally on my own. No more Orientation...*does a Jig*. Last night was my first night on my own, it felt great! I felt so incontrol and my timing was perfect..I was able to get out on time...when my mother called me this morning I was already back in bed. I also bought a couch....and I know soon as one of my friend's read this she will shake her head and roll her eyes. But its Orange. Yes I said it, I bought an orange couch. Well technically its not straight orange..its an rustic orange-brown color. I love it. Soon as I saw it I thought..I have to have it. Mainly cause I am tired of all the white in my house...the stark white is driving me crazy..I feel like I am in a mental ward...so I needed a splash of color. Ofcourse soon as I told my mother she was laughing so hard she started wheezing...talk about "Parental support". My brother ofcourse said that nothing I do anymore surprises him..so I intrepreted that to mean he likes it. *shrugs* . My anniversary is coming up...October 30th...I am more excited this year about it than ever...mainly cause hubby and I are actually gonna celebrate it in the same city this time..lol. Its hard to believe 4 yrs but then sometimes it seems like we've known each other so long....that I think "only four years". But I actually wanna do the whole shabang this year. We dont get to do it often so this year it seems more important. Feels like its anniversary no. 1. I actually want us to dress up and go dancing, I want it to be one of those "corny, pseudo-romantic, candle dinner , walk on a moonlight night, act like if its only two of us in the world" type of day, that probably would never happen. And although I am setting myself up for disappointment by mentally fantasizing about it like this, it still doesnt stop me from trying to achieve it. Its stupid, its irrational but you know what, its what I want..and I am going to get it damn it!. Anyway I just rolled out of bed and already I have a ton of stuff to do. But first I have to check out this Blogger website.