dresses, thigh highs and stilettoes ,oh my!

thats my plans for tomorrow...to let my inner diva be reflected in my outer strout. And sexy clothes always makes me strout like Naomi on the Catwalk....I feel like strouting.

Recently I bought some summer dresses....one of them has "party like a rock star" written all over it (figurately people not literally). Its a satin, electric blue short kimano styled dress and I can see my self working up a good sweat on the dance floor in that bad boy. Next I bought two baby doll styled summer dresses....one blue and the other red...very sweet and innocent looking. I likey...I likey alot!lol

So tomorrow while I am running around town doing my errands I am going to look like a star doing it! And blast music out my car like a crazy chicano driving down sunset boulevard trying to scare the rich people. Tomorrow I will wake up to "I am woman hear me roar!". My inner diva will be full form...and I wont apologise for it.

Tomorrow I will say "F*ck you" to the world with no regrets....(pardon my language I dont know what came over me..lol)....yeah tomorrow...

*off to bed...can wait to be a Diva tomorrow*

hmmm

I havent said much in a  few days...I found myself internalising more recently..

Been around alot of family this week...*sighs loudly* ...which in itself has been a dousy.  My family is very amusing to watch. At the viewing of the body I sat in the back away from the immediate family and an older woman on the side of me was gossiping. I sat there chuckling to myself all evenning. Turns out she was the aunt of my uncle...being that my grandmother had 5 kids with 5 different fathers...some family members I have yet to meet. It wasnt malcious gossip however it always makes u remember..becareful what you say in mixed company. Another reason I have been internalising.

I realised I have a huge extended family....and it can be annoying and comforting at the same time. Annoying cause they are so over dramatic...I mean my dad went to the barber shop and was late to one of the dinners , these idiots called everyone but the hospital,  instead of calling the house or any of his children or goodness gracious his WIFE, who would have told them where he was. But I swallowed that little annoyance and said...well thats just the "X" Family, cant do anything about it.

But its also comforting to have them near..cause in any little crisis...like the scary squeaking in my brakes I can have one of them take the car and check it out themselves. Now I know you are probably thinking typical woman knows nothing about cars...but thats why I have uncles to teach me. Uncles to tell me dont just look at the brakes from the outside of the car...go under the car with the mechanic while he looks under the car. Or family who can make you laugh even when u want to cry.

But back to my point...I have been internalising alot of my thoughts and feelings...and I hope I dont blow. I hope I can just inhale or exhale them away....as I have been doing for a while..cause what I want to say may not come out the way I intend it if I say it in the moment and then...and then... all is misunderstood and other people's feelings are hurt and I dont get my point across....I dont get them to understand how I feel...the hurt , the embarassment, distrust, anger.

 So I need time to think...or just till it blows over. No I think its mainly to think...think do I say what I want to say or just stop fighting and leave it in God's hands. Cause truthfully I am tired...worn out. So lately I have been internalising.

 

 

 

awake

its 4 am and i am up watching online tv.

watching Life on NBC not a bad show.

maybe I should invest in sleeping aids...or those sleeping music like whales

She waited

I started writing this at 3 am after I got the call....its now 7pm.

My family all believed she waited until all of us was there...that she was holding out for my brother and my other cousin to arrive. For her to die on a Sunday morning seems fitting to me. Sundays are her favorite day of the week.

I miss her already..today was the first time I was in the house since she went to the hospital. I kind of purposely avoided it...in a way if she wasnt there it seemed no reason for me to be there,,,even though it was full of family and friends. But my brother wanted to be surrounded by them . Surprisingly after the call I didnt want to go see her, even though we were with her all day before, but I just didnt feel like dealing at that moment. But my brother needed to go..and truthfully its after three in the morning and I wasnt keen about him going by himself. So I went but u know whats surprising ..even though he "had to go"..mainly I think he couldnt sit at home any more, he didnt cross the threshold of the hospital room door. I knew how he felt he didnt want to see her like that..lifeless. and in a way I wish I didnt...I wish I didnt see her cause I keep picturing her lying there with tear streaks on her face. 

I miss her already. But today was strange being at the house...full of family and friends..going through old photo albums...although we were quiet...most of the times...it wasnt somber. For that I was glad. We spent most of the time reminiscing about old times..old friends and family...laughing at the ridiculous clothes we wore ...and how skinny we all looked....with huge heads. It was nice but I wish she was here to enjoy it. She would have loved it. 

Lonely

Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and have someone stroke my hair. Stroke my hair until I fall asleep or stop crying, whichever comes first. And sometimes I want to talk about it, and sometimes I dont but that doesnt mean I dont want you to reach out to me. I may look strong on the outside but inside I am like soft candy. It wont take much....I dont take much...but I am losing strength.

I am tired

The Roles we play

We all deal with death and dying different ways....and sometimes fall into roles we wont normally play. My grandmother is dying...the doctor , although clarifying she is not God (like I was about to bow down and pray @ her feet), nevertheless said she has maybe 48 hrs. While she was talking to me I remember thinking its was just like that Cancer commercial that comes on where the Cancer Survivor says " he said Peggy you are dying...said it so cold like he was telling the weather".  No matter how empathetic she , the doc, would be it all seemed cold and impersonal. Its the words themselves. And although I did my share of crying earlier today I knew this was not the time. And I realized then I fell into that role...the role I always play in emergencies and disasters...the stoic Caregiver/ Organizer role.The one who pulls you aside and hugs you while you cry...one who prompts the family members and friends into reading a scripture when everyone is standing around the bed unsure of what to do, and  the one who talks you out of further destroying hospital property.

One of my younger cousins came today, unfortunately in recent times she had a falling out with my grandmother and her mother (my aunt). But soon as she walked in the door and saw her laying there she broke down.  I knew she felt regret. Oh maybe I think she did....she exclaimed "Whats wrong with her, she looks like she is in pain!" And although I knew crying was expected....the noise , guttural noise this petite woman made took me for surprise. And then she fell into the role. The role of "over-come with grief , cant stand up , cant talk, sobbing loudly I am disturbing the other patients on the floor" role.  And as expected she couldnt stay long...but I knew she tried but was thrown for a loop. Unlike me or my brother , she like the other cousins were partly raised by my grandmother. They knew her longer...they were with her day in day out...and probably took care of them when they were sick, changed their diapers, signed parental release forms and all of that. And I felt for her...my cousin..I felt for her cause I knew she left that hospital regretting some things. Death and dying makes you do that you know.

 

My uncle, the youngest one, who is partly estranged from the family came by also...My grandmother adopted him when his mother died, he was 17 at the time. He is a yr older than my brother and like some men, or should I say most...expressing his pain and hurt is hard for him. So he did it the only way he knew how..he punched a hole into the hospital wall and of course had bloody knuckles to show for it. He then fell into the role of the Angry Disbelieving Relative. He later left with tears streaming down his blood shot eyes, and my 5 dollars in his pockets...my guess is to buy more alcohol to help deal with it all. His breath gave him away.

But I realized..these are roles we fall into...none bad or good, better or worse than the other...they are what they are. Purely...equivalently HUMAN.

Today I was told, I should tell my grandmother things I always wanted to say. And it hit me..I said them all. Although I never grew up with her, and only came to know her from age 16 I dont reget any of it. However I am scared...scared that the family we know will be now broken. You see alot of us, I could say them, but I realised I am included, for alot of us , she was the glue that kept us together. The reason we even tolerated the other on holidays. The reason we even bothered visiting. And I am afraid once she is gone...so too does that glue. Because unfortunately...we might be family and we might love each other but many of us dont like the other.

That is such a sad way to end this entry...but I am tired of typing.

Chipped Tooth

So this morning I am listening to a couple of new podcasts to start the day...and one of them explored the topic of children and playing. And it got me reminiscing on my days as a child ...playing in the school grounds and I have a story to tell.

So back when I was a wee little lad..lol I just wanted to say that...my elementary school class room doors were made of steel. Before you go up in arms..all the doors led directly to the court yard outside and there were no bars on the windows... it was a one story L shaped complex. Remember this was also in Trindiad.  However usually these metal doors are left open, but one day someone left one closed and at the very moment I was running down the corridor to my class,...probably skipping along in my Mary Janes (okay I dont remember the skipping part since some parts of this story is "lost" to me)....me..the unsuspecting soul collided with a swinging metal door. Next thing I know I am on the floor , people surrounding me asking a million and one questions and I am holding a small teeth fragment in the palm of my hands.

Now this might sound like a horrific story..but today while reminiscing I realized those were some of my best days..Playing ...just being a child..falling down ...messing up my knees and elbows all those are parts of being a kid. And I understand the urge to want to protect your children from hurt..but banning tag in the school playground is just ridiculous.

People take micromanaging their kids too far....sure we want to keep those idle hands busy so the devil doesnt start recruitment process but come on people ...play is how children build social skills, network, learn right from wrong....play...parallel, associative, corporative ...all types are necessary.

Today my chipped tooth is an interesting story to tell. It also goes great with the triangular scar on my right hand (ridding down the stair case with my BMX bike, the circular scar on my left elbow (falling out of a cherry tree in a tree climbing contest) and the one on my left knee (diving onto the pavement from my bike trying to avoid on-coming traffic).... Damn after reading this...makes me wonder..where were my parents! lmao

just kidding

We all fall down but get up...resilience is another lesson we learn from play...

P.S. My Hubby is also getting a lesson in resilience for the past few weeks in Judo Class..all in the form of getting his ass kicked by more experience and larger students. I think it will be good for him..great way to let out steam...me..I prefer a gentler approach...looking into Salsa classes.lol