hmmm

I havent said much in a  few days...I found myself internalising more recently..

Been around alot of family this week...*sighs loudly* ...which in itself has been a dousy.  My family is very amusing to watch. At the viewing of the body I sat in the back away from the immediate family and an older woman on the side of me was gossiping. I sat there chuckling to myself all evenning. Turns out she was the aunt of my uncle...being that my grandmother had 5 kids with 5 different fathers...some family members I have yet to meet. It wasnt malcious gossip however it always makes u remember..becareful what you say in mixed company. Another reason I have been internalising.

I realised I have a huge extended family....and it can be annoying and comforting at the same time. Annoying cause they are so over dramatic...I mean my dad went to the barber shop and was late to one of the dinners , these idiots called everyone but the hospital,  instead of calling the house or any of his children or goodness gracious his WIFE, who would have told them where he was. But I swallowed that little annoyance and said...well thats just the "X" Family, cant do anything about it.

But its also comforting to have them near..cause in any little crisis...like the scary squeaking in my brakes I can have one of them take the car and check it out themselves. Now I know you are probably thinking typical woman knows nothing about cars...but thats why I have uncles to teach me. Uncles to tell me dont just look at the brakes from the outside of the car...go under the car with the mechanic while he looks under the car. Or family who can make you laugh even when u want to cry.

But back to my point...I have been internalising alot of my thoughts and feelings...and I hope I dont blow. I hope I can just inhale or exhale them away....as I have been doing for a while..cause what I want to say may not come out the way I intend it if I say it in the moment and then...and then... all is misunderstood and other people's feelings are hurt and I dont get my point across....I dont get them to understand how I feel...the hurt , the embarassment, distrust, anger.

 So I need time to think...or just till it blows over. No I think its mainly to think...think do I say what I want to say or just stop fighting and leave it in God's hands. Cause truthfully I am tired...worn out. So lately I have been internalising.