Tired of Brick walls of Indifference

Its funny...alot of people think the opposite of Love is Hate. But its not its Indifference. You see with hate or love there is a bit of caring or interest in what another person does..whether it irritates you or entrances you. But with indifference they can die today or live tomorrow and it wouldnt make you blink.
How can I communicate with indifference....I try and I am tired. So I wont...it hurts to much..its like walking into the same brick wall , I dont have the energy.

Two F'notes later and an almost crash (continued)

The computer cut off on me before I could have finished my story...
ANyway that was it ( I know kind of anticlimatic..but my mood has changed since I was writing that last post).
I am going to relax now...I am too tired and numb to care

Two F' Notes later and an almost Crash

So I have a cough..from a cold that just finished. Now this is a dry cough that is driving me crazy...throat is itchy...chest hurts...and its embarrassing as hell coughing. Now the reason I say this is because I am rationalizing and refused to even consider another reason as to what happened next. So this morning driving home from work...it went like this..."cough cough... hack hack...cough cough...hack hack...and then ...OMG! I am on the frigging freeway and I am about to throw up in my car while doing 50mph". I barely pulled over in time...thankfully I had a bag in the car...other than my purse that I lost my dinner in. For ten minutes I sat there trying not to throw up all over my car at the same time praying it would just stop. I hate throwing up. So after I disposed of my now barf bag, my only weak thought was.."What the hell happened". So my rationale is this...I coughed so much I stimulated my vagal nerve and caused that gagging reflex that led to the barfing episode. Thats my story. All I want is to be wapped up in a blanket and stroked to sleep. Last night @ work was better than the night before. The night before @ work...what could go wrong did...sure no one died but I felt like I was this close *puts index finger and thumb marginally together* to going off on someone. I cursed three times @ work...(okay it was under my breath and I was in a room alone trying to get collect myself)...but the point is ..I have never been so frustrated work before that I used the F word. I mean..all of a sudden perfectly fine people..become confused...then at the same time my head tumor lady decided she couldnt breathe...then all my other I had to have my hip replaced people were crying out for pain meds @ the same time...and ofcourse I hadnt done any of my paper work. I love working nights, however the down side of it is that its always understaffed...and you realise you are the only"reinforcements" you got. I didnt leave work until 9am...( I am usually in my bed by this time) ...I was pissed and in a very very violent mood..and what upset me more was knowing I had to be back later that evenning..for another round of "Super Nurse to the Rescue". For 12 hours straight I didnt eat...I survived on gum and saliva. I was so pissed about that that when I got back into work the next evenning I was determined not to miss lunch. That evenning went alot better...I even had time to help other folks out with their work and do a blood transfusion...which is a biggie to me cause it always takes me a long time just to make sure I have all that crap ready. But atleast I was in good spirits by home time. I was singing my goodbyes...hell..my report was so full of smiles the AM Nurses thought I was high. Ofcouse I was mainly happy I was going home and wont be back later in the day and a very crazy and violent man just got on the floor and I didnt have to deal with him. You could have heard his screams two floors down..cursing and carrying on...(apparently he didnt understand that with a broken leg you cant walk..and it was painfull to pull out your catheter..but he tried though..oh how he tried).

Social Mojo

So I am talking to a friend and he is telling me about his new found "sexiness". Or atleast how he is getting it back..or plans to. Fresh from a break up...and now finally getting his Mojo back. He said to me..." "you" let yourself go when you're in a long term relationship... i polished her and she took my "mojo". And I understand the loss of his mojo...in some ways I lost mine too..but I mourned the loss of mine years ago..and sure I vowed to get it back, however it just hasnt happened yet. Maybe I lost my motivation to find me MOJO. Who knows....but I didnt lose mine cause someone took it away , no..this happened years ago...I lost mine cause I got sad ( I was going to say depressed but I dont want anyone trying to call the Mental Health Department on me). lol
When I had my mojo I did things..like museums and art festivals, all day movie treats, dancing, walks in the parks....all by myself. The point is I used to be able to do these things without the want for companionship. Sure if I had a partner..it made it better but back then it truly didnt matter to me. I found joy in those things..getting up and thinking" Where shall I get lost today?". I enjoyed being with me..and only me. The slowly I started craving to share my sights with other people..but some folks dont appreciate or find joy in the same things I did. And while before that was okay..my mind wouldnt think twice of their decision..now I dwell on the rejection a little longer. And it slowly took away my joy for these things that made me happy.
However I decided my mojo will be back.
I made a list of things I am going to do
1. sign up for a self defense class/ YMCA/ Dance class
2. Hit up a winery
3. learn to love getting lost again
Thats it for now...all I got.

Funning thing about being a Night OWL

Although there are some disadvantages to being Nocturnal...I must say..I love the quietness of it all. Driving down the road and only 2 cars in sight..the solitude of it attracts me. Isnt that strange?

Days and Nights Blend

I have officially turned Nocturnal. This is day 3 of my up @ 3 am doing work like its 3pm. Yesterday I was up from Midnight to 2pm. First stop after cooking and cleaning up a little was Walmart @ 3am...infact I hit up two walmarts....I love that their doors never closes. Came home, relaxed, put away my purchases and then looked @ my living room and said "I got to finish this". So by the time I headed out again was 8 am and stores were opening and I am excited. I had the basics , sofa, lamp, pictures and dressed up fireplace. However NOW the living room actually looks lived in. Its now full of color (has a warm feeling), pillows, finally has more than one lamp and a rug. So after months of being here the living room is complete...and I am proud! It felt good to tackle that room and be done with it.
I have also made a pact with myself that I wont eat out for a month...okay its really two months but lets see how this month ends shall we. So basically I am relying on my own cooking and snacks from home. This is a huge feat for me but I am sticking to my guns. I am also trying new recipes. I am so used to cooking Caribbean food but I want to learn to make new stuff. So I am recipe hunting.(www.recipezaar.com is a great website).
What I do need in the house is some good liquour, and to restart my wine collection (left what I had with my mother in NY..yes I still regret that). You see the thing is I am not a drinker...but I love to collect drinks...especially foreign ones. My brother used to send me wines and spirits from all over the world, mind you they have never been opened. I just like keeping them. Now I want to start making speciality drinks. In front of me is a recipe for Pomergranate Cocktail...think later this month I will try it out, it looks uber simple.

Anyway after yesterday's activities I didnt hit the sack till 2pm and now I am up again. Well after Midnight to start all over again. It throws me for a loop...not that I have anything planned today..but it makes me miss out of the day's activity. However after all the spending I did I wont be doing much any time soon. My plan is to go to the DMV, watch the inauguration, staff meeting later that evenning and back home. Should be a good day..I do hope it is. I know so many people in the backs of their minds are afraid something tragic happens @ the Inauguration, and me like so many others are praying no one tries to take away the Hope this country badly needs now. So my plan today is to think positive, be happy and relax..cant worry about what could happen.

On another note was reading Tudor's Constantin's view on 21 Hints For a Happy Life ...and he inspired me..so I will share with you...Tudor hope you dont mind...
1. Marry the right person . This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.
3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.
6. Be generous.
7. Have a grateful heart.
8. Persistence , persistence, persistence.
9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
12. Commit yourself to quality.
13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions , power or prestige , but on relationship with people you love and respect.
14. Be loyal.
15. Be honest .
16. Be a self-starter.
17. Be decisive even it it means you'll sometimes be wrong.
18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
20. Take good care of those you love.
21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud.

ABC done lost their minds!

OMG..So I am browsing ABC.com ...watching my shows...and there I see General Hospital..new free episodes. They have finally made a Soap Opera online for viewing..entire episodes. I am so excited I can kiss the screen.
For more than 6 months I have lost touch with my soap..now its on baby. I missed two calls for my bro...which saddness me I do want to talk to him, cleaned my bathrooms and cooked for the rest of the week. I think I am going to roam Walmart in a while.
Just needed to say ABC rocks!