slow to anger

Last night I realised I am slow to anger...but when I am angry I hold on to it. I simmer in that feeling and I dont let go easily. I hate, dispise "inconsideration". I may not be the most sensitive person there is, as I have been told so many times these past few weeks, but I am unconsciously insensitive to others needs or my hurting them. I dont set out to be that way..it happens and when I am made aware of it I apologise. Not cause its "mannerly" or what is expected. No I apologise because I ginuinely didnt mean it. I apologise and try not to repeat the deed because its how I become a better person, learning from my mistakes. But no, some people dont see that they are inconsiderate and then when its pointed out to them dont think their inconsideration is so much of a problem that it needs to be addressed. Well you know Fuck that!. It is a problem. When someone points something out to you..its an issue they care enough about to mention.

My hubby is one of those inconsiderate people. I think his thinking process goes like this.."I know this may bother Jane but you know what its okay cause I have a good reason and she should automatically know my reason...even though I wont say what it is". When someone says they are going to do something, or makes plans with you and never shows up or calls thats inconsiderate. I find that on a scale 1-10 on the rude reciter scale , batting a fucking 12!!!!

It tells me that..that person doesnt care enough about my time or me to consider a 2 second phone call that goes like " I wont be able to do this..sorry , another time" or like this " I am sorry I forgot, so and so happened, I dont want you to think I purposely forgot about you". I waited for hours...energy wasted...time and worried that maybe something had happened. And you know what I knew nothing happened, that A-hole simply fell asleep. Which is understandable, he was tired but an apology is not to much to ask for , or an explanation.

  Ofcourse to some people this may be small...a minute lapse..something not worth mentioning. But to me..its not. Its hurtful when someone doesnt even consider you in their mind as to be worth an apology. And I realise this man doesnt apologize for shit.

His independence and stubborness builds a wall around him , ofcourse I know its purpose..to protect his heart..and stemmed from him having always to be able to depend on himself and himself only...but you know it also does something else..hurts others around him. I know he tries..but you know, I dont care. FUCk it ..and fuck him today! I literally see that wall everytime I make an offer and he regets it. I offer cause I care but he rejects cause he doesnt want to owe anyone anything. But I am not just anyone. I am supposed to be the first person you consider to come to for help. But not even that..just simple things. The man cant even accept a gift,I cant afford much but if I wanna pay for lunch or dinner once in a while. Let me...it is fucking rude to say..."I can pay for my own".I know you can pay for it. Its nto about money. What the hell! I mean how can u not see that this is like ...I offer u cake and u spit in it and gives it back to me. I get that he is a man and is macho and all that bull shit that goes with having fucking testicles. But when I offer something its to show I care. Its to say..thank you for something else...like the movie we just went to ...or helping me fix up the apt when you have to work and have a bunch of other things to do that day. And u know what sometimes his bullshit just hurts.

 

P.S. to Janie...sorry for the F-Bombs