IN AN UPROAR!

So I am sitting here , trying to renew my freaking antivirus protection subscription and I get a blue email from AOL. What the hell is this that these bitches want to close off AOL Journals. Come on...I know I havent been writting everyday as I planned to...but people no need to take away my outlet. I see mass murder/suicides cause of this closing. AOL Journals have saved my from going upside somebodies head..and most definately saved me from saying something devasting to my hubby. It allowed me to analyze, voice, scream, my dirty dirty thoughts without reprecussions and considerations of other people's feelings. Now they want to take it away from me on October 31st. "WHY!!!" ...I scream...."WHY!!!!!" Yes I did dramatically fall to my knees screaming like a bad actor in a B-list movie. But this is not to take away the seriousness of the situation.

Now I am so mad I wanna shop. but I wont..cause its "Rent Week" paycheck and its not allowed. Damn Damn Damn.

Anyway thats enough ranting about this....but I guess I would have to find a new place. And I would hate to do that cause this was so much more convenient. Hell I dont even go to the chat room anymore, when I play online Games its on Yahoo, most of my friends have other email addresses...so I ask...Why am I keeping AOL.  You know why..cause I am a "Loyalist". Its in my blood, I am loyal to anyone or anything that I started with that brings me pleasure.Its sad...I get comfortable and dont care to leave.

Anyway lets update you on whats been happened this week. I finally after months of being lazy sat down and did my hair myself. I sat for two hours and rolled my locs to give it those tight curls that I love..which usually last a week or two. LOL...My laziness thwarted that plan...I couldnt sleep with the curlers in my hair...and instead of leaving it for 10 hours I left it for 5 ..and hence the style lasted 2 hours and then went "blap"...lol and now back to bone straight..boring Mell. I just had to laugh at myself...but atleast my hair looks a bit neater...I should call my hairdresser, but again my laziness over takes me and my dialing finger fails to lift. But again that night I also took the time to do my finger nails...ohh never underestimate a good "Me day". It renews the spirit. 

My mother also suckered me into buying her a dress online...Its the funniest thing...it was like I was back to being her secretary...only my pay is "always in the Mail". She calls me with a Jessica London catalog in her hand..rattling off numbers and dresses she "loves", and there I go pulling out my wallet knowing I wanted to buy a dinning room chair this week. I guess its another week of eating on the stairs. Shameful but true. But I didnt mind buying it so much for her, mainly cause it brought a smile to her face and got her looking forward to something. She's been a bit depressed lately..or for my mother ..more "whinny" than usual. She needs companionship. She may say she likes being alone but my dad needs to get his but back from "vacation"and start acting right. He is another issue all together. And I wont go there tonight.

Hubby and I finally found time to have a "night on the town". Its been over a month since we did that. It felt great just to go outside of the house together with the purpose of spending time together. Our schedules have been clashing lately, I hope by next month I can rectify that. I will finally be off orientation and able to make my own schedule. Looking forward to doing that. Having that control.

ANyway I got to figure out how am I to save my aol Journal. Bullocks!.

Productive

So I have finally bought a dinning room table...lol..chairs not included. Thats next month's purchase. But I got a great deal on a dark wood Parsons dinning table from Kmart. And I am happy to report I also purchased my side tables..all within my budget.

I decided to start working on my Masters Degree...I am trying online classes...its all new to me and ofcourse I was weary as to how online courses would look on my resume. But my brother brought up a good point, I already have one of the top accredited schools in the country on my resume..this will be fine. I was hoping though the classes would have been on a campus...mainly to open up my social life. Which is sadly tanking every week. Maybe I should ask a couple of the girls from my job to go out..but truthfully I dont know. I realised that all if not most of my friendships have been with more "friendlier outspoken" people than myself. Not saying I am not outspoken..its the natually friendly part that I have trouble with. Sure I smile and say hellos and ask the appropiate how are you doing questions..but I dont go beyond that. I dont put myself out there and give out my phone number and say "you wanna go out Saturday"...I just dont. Yet I expect to be accompanied to these events. Hence I was uber excited at the prospect of starting school again. Meeting new people. Ah well.....que sera sera. *shrugs*

Anyway I am off to work...Although I am loving the pace of night shift, its has turned my sleeping habits upside down. I roam Walmart @ 2am and get up @ 3 pm now.

goin too slow

I am still in the decorating phase of the move and I feel like I am going too slow. There is so much I want, but with a limited budget and my refusal to use a credit card I am kept in a box. Unfortunately as I said before I have Paris Hilton tastes. I like alot of expensive, way out of my budget items...and the only way to get what I want , exactly how I want it, is to save...wait and save. The saving isnt killing me , its the waiting...I can live without these things however....my patience is non existent.

I have just had 3 days off , three beautiful days where I could have gone shopping...but its not in the budget...so instead I spent those days , pinning at home...playing "woe is me" in my head to the tune of Aerosmith's "Dream on". But I vow , by the end of next month I will have my dinning room set and a night table. Still unsure if I want a night table though. An actual table or a shelf are my choices. What got me in limbo are the prices..two hundred dollars for a little table that will only hold a lamp and a book...its ridiculous. Hell I am thinking of going to Lowes and building my own table. I know it sounds cheap as hell...and I admit I can be tight with my money on certain things...but I do spend on other things I think worth while. But a bullshit table to hold a lamp and a book doesnt seem worth two hundred dollars. Two hundred dollars is almost a day's work for me.

Usually when I am unsure of buying something I break it down ..measuring its cost by my hourly wage and dividing it by the amount of time it will take me to work off the price. For example..dumb ass night table cost 200....hypothetically if I worked for 20 bucks an hour..I would have to work 10 hours to buy that table. Now I think of all the crap I do within those 10 hours....how much work I put in ....that table doesnt seem worth it.  I know it sounds a bit over the top...but I think the price is over the top....I need to make a friend with a furniture maker. This is ridiculous

Anyway off to do...well nothing..since its "something" is not in the budget..lol @ my sad life

 

Down she went

Its strange how certain things happen and it remind you of all your litle fears in the world. This morning I fell down the stairs...luckily nothing was broken, just a bruised. Ofcourse it would be my big ass thats bruised...left side. Anyway the scarey part for me wasnt falling...it was , what if I was alone. Hubby was there, which I was eternally thankful for. But it reminded me of a fall I had yrs ago  in the bathroom. I slipped on the floor and almost hit my head on the bathroom sink, and in attempt to save the little brain I have I almost broke my arm protecting it. But what scared the dickens out of me while I laid on the floor for a good minute or so..the door was locked. How would anyone realise something had happened to me if the door was locked and they think I am just enjoying a really long bath. Since that day I try nto to lock the bathroom door when I shower, however as time passes and fear decreases...or should I say...gets overshadowed by other things..I forget. I forget that I shouldnt lock the door when I shower, but falling today reminded me. I forget that most household falls occur in the bathroom and bedroom. I mean for goodness sake..how could I forget..its one of the main things I tell my older patients. And here I am victim to my own lecture.

So to add to the short list of fears I have...falling without help is one of mine. That and being paralyzed, raped and rats (NY subway rats will scare anyone). Anyway no more fear talk.

I went to the beach today...and it reminded me of Trinidad so much. Its been so long since I've been to the beach. I would love to live near the water one day...or atleast vacation there. I am truly a Cancer....pure crab..loving the water. Boats, sandcastles, palm trees and warm water all bring out my inner sunshine. Its been a good day.

Anyway I am off to work out...or atleast pretend I am making a dent in my weight. Really my goal is just to develop a healthy exercise schedule that I dont dread doing. So far walking the bridge hasnt killed me yet..but I still wont commit to a gym. One step at a time people. 

been a better day

I am finally sitting infront of my computer desk. *sighs*

Me and Hubby put it together today...and I woke up with no feelings of anger.I dont know where it went but I know I am glad it gone. Cause I would hate to spend my day off being pissed. Instead I enjoyed it with him.I tried to spray paint these shelves for my "work space"...which is what I am calling it now...cause it way too small to be an office. LOL. Anyway ...the theme of the "work space" is red...color theme that is..so my bright idea was red shelves. Not only does it it messy , trying to put these bad boys up are harder than I thought. so I gave up and now these sit in the corner till "HELP" arrives.

But the essentials are up....my desk...my comp...internet....calender...and immediate work supplies. Hopefully by the end of next month my "work space" will be ready for its unveiling....which involves cleaver drapery to hide boring walls.

anyway off to relax and get ready for the morning.

slow to anger

Last night I realised I am slow to anger...but when I am angry I hold on to it. I simmer in that feeling and I dont let go easily. I hate, dispise "inconsideration". I may not be the most sensitive person there is, as I have been told so many times these past few weeks, but I am unconsciously insensitive to others needs or my hurting them. I dont set out to be that way..it happens and when I am made aware of it I apologise. Not cause its "mannerly" or what is expected. No I apologise because I ginuinely didnt mean it. I apologise and try not to repeat the deed because its how I become a better person, learning from my mistakes. But no, some people dont see that they are inconsiderate and then when its pointed out to them dont think their inconsideration is so much of a problem that it needs to be addressed. Well you know Fuck that!. It is a problem. When someone points something out to you..its an issue they care enough about to mention.

My hubby is one of those inconsiderate people. I think his thinking process goes like this.."I know this may bother Jane but you know what its okay cause I have a good reason and she should automatically know my reason...even though I wont say what it is". When someone says they are going to do something, or makes plans with you and never shows up or calls thats inconsiderate. I find that on a scale 1-10 on the rude reciter scale , batting a fucking 12!!!!

It tells me that..that person doesnt care enough about my time or me to consider a 2 second phone call that goes like " I wont be able to do this..sorry , another time" or like this " I am sorry I forgot, so and so happened, I dont want you to think I purposely forgot about you". I waited for hours...energy wasted...time and worried that maybe something had happened. And you know what I knew nothing happened, that A-hole simply fell asleep. Which is understandable, he was tired but an apology is not to much to ask for , or an explanation.

  Ofcourse to some people this may be small...a minute lapse..something not worth mentioning. But to me..its not. Its hurtful when someone doesnt even consider you in their mind as to be worth an apology. And I realise this man doesnt apologize for shit.

His independence and stubborness builds a wall around him , ofcourse I know its purpose..to protect his heart..and stemmed from him having always to be able to depend on himself and himself only...but you know it also does something else..hurts others around him. I know he tries..but you know, I dont care. FUCk it ..and fuck him today! I literally see that wall everytime I make an offer and he regets it. I offer cause I care but he rejects cause he doesnt want to owe anyone anything. But I am not just anyone. I am supposed to be the first person you consider to come to for help. But not even that..just simple things. The man cant even accept a gift,I cant afford much but if I wanna pay for lunch or dinner once in a while. Let me...it is fucking rude to say..."I can pay for my own".I know you can pay for it. Its nto about money. What the hell! I mean how can u not see that this is like ...I offer u cake and u spit in it and gives it back to me. I get that he is a man and is macho and all that bull shit that goes with having fucking testicles. But when I offer something its to show I care. Its to say..thank you for something else...like the movie we just went to ...or helping me fix up the apt when you have to work and have a bunch of other things to do that day. And u know what sometimes his bullshit just hurts.

 

P.S. to Janie...sorry for the F-Bombs

I'm back!

My computer is finally set up and my internet is on. My excitment is palpable.And thank you very much for your prayers and thoughts Janie, they are much appreciated. I hope all is well with you and your also.

ANyway still waiting for my desk to be put up but thats a two person job and I am not going rush Mr Hubby. He's been good , so I'll be good...and curb my tongue. Havent met anyone I am interested in calling a friend yet or atleast hanging out with. Everyone I meet is usually from work and they are older women with children and a much busier schedule than me. I dotn want to impose and ask to hang out when they have kids to think about and cant drop everything at the drop of a hat. It would be nice to get "girlfriend" to hang with. Hubby is nice..but some things I cant do with him without hearing him complain. Like shopping or just window shopping, or driving around with no agenda, people watching, just enjoying the sights. He is great to hang with but I do need friends outside of him. Else I am afraid I will become one of those "dependent follow me eveywhere , call me all day type woman".And I refuse to become HER!

I also finally found a hair dresser. I met him at a Beauty Supply place and although he was inexperienced with interlocking Locs...he was willing to learn and practice and I was willing to let him. PLus he was just too funny not to. I have an appointment next week@ his salon , downtown. Flamboyant and steriotypical male hairdresser. But I like his enthusiasm. Plus I am tired of trying to find a salon that does Locs here. It was too much of a hassel, one day I will give the details of that misadventure.

Anyway I am off to iron my clothes , finish my chores and relax.